Haymitch Remembers
by DxCxS2
Summary: After the fall of the Capitol, Haymitch confronts old memories, and deeply engraved nightmares with the help Peeta and Katniss as he writes a book about his life, the 50th hunger games, and the loss of his loved ones. Also includes what happens in future
1. I start my story

**Ok, so in the beginning you might get confused, but this is about Haymitch's time at the 50****th**** hunger games/ afterwards. I hope you like it!**

I guess Katniss convinced me to start writing about my life, but not directly. It's been 10 years since the fall of the capitol. 10 years since everyone expected the nightmares the pain to stop, but they don't understand, only the remaining victors do. She and Peeta, they write down things in a book, not a story, but just things to remember. Well Katniss writes, Peeta draws, and paints. Peeta's been painting ever since the 74th hunger games.

I asked him one time, and he told me it helped ease the nightmares. It's been decades and the only way I've found to even remotely drown the nightmares out is in drinking. I guess they've been worried about me, Katniss and Peeta. I want to move forward, I truly do, but I still find myself clutching my knife tight at night, and waking in vomit and booze, unable to exist without the drink. The nightmares get worse, even though it's all over, but it will never be over. Never. It will always be present in me. Everything at once, the games, the death of my loved ones, all the years of pain.

I check on the geese before I walk over to their house, it is their house now. Katniss left her own, unable to cope, in need of escape, to living with Peeta, not long after he returned.

I stand uncomfortably in front of their door. I could leave, they would understand, but I need to face the demons in my life, I need to take power away from the nightmares. I uneasily lift my hand to the door, and knock lightly, not wanting to wake the baby.

Gardenia answers the door. She smiles up at me with her father's bright blue eyes.

"Haymitch!" she gleefully yelps hugging my leg. "I thought you were going to be busy this time!" She releases my leg.

I'm supposed to come over, a lot more than I actually do. Most of the time I'll make plans to come over, but I end up waking up, reeking of liquor. Her small hand latches around mine before I can leave.

"Come on! Mom bought hummus!" she cheers, as she yanks me from the door into the kitchen. She's not that tall, but she has her mother's hair, and her father's eyes.

It's not long before I'm sitting around the table with them. The boy is asleep upstairs in his room. Katniss sits across the table from me, Gardenia sitting on their chair next to her. Peeta takes the bread from the oven Gardenia rocks back and forth on her chair, her face filled with excitement.

"Gardenia has missed you" Katniss says, as if it excuse her rambunctious daughter. Gardenia nods ferverntly, the smile still on her face.

I'm not quite sure why she misses me, it's not like I'm exactly a kid person. I'm not funny, I don't play games , I'm not even around that much, but I know I'm the closest thing she has to a grandfather, to an extended family, and I think that in itself excites her. There's Gale, but that's different.

There aren't many people in District 12 anymore, but they trickle back slowly.

Peeta slices the bread in the background. "So Gardenia, how has your week been?" I ask. Her mouth parts into an even wider smile.

"Well…" she begins as Peeta puts bread down on the table, and sits down at the table. He takes Katniss' hand. Gardenia reaches across the table and grabs a piece of bread. She dunks it hastily into the hummus and takes a big bite before telling me all the things she had done that week. She played with her friends. When hunting with her mother. Took the new dog for a walk. The new dog pooped in her room, but it was ok, she says, because he was a baby and that's what babies do. She shot a squirrel and they ate it for dinner. She says next time I need to try it, and she'll shoot a fat one just for me. She practiced drawing with Peeta. She said she's not very good at it, but one day she wants to be. She says she went exploring outside. Then she freezes momentarily, her 5 year old brain lost. She comes back and leaps gracefully off her stool, and quietly runs out of the room.

"Where's she going?" I ask Katniss and Peeta. Katniss shakes her head.

"We never quite know with her." Katniss smiles. She's a quirky little kid, hard worker, with odd interests. She loves people, but not like Peeta where he is good with them. She just loves people. Talking to them. Being around them. Helping them. It's only been a few seconds when she bursts back into the room.

"Haymitch!" she squeals as she hops back onto her stool almost knocking It over, but Peeta quickly catches it before any real harm can come to her. She steadies herself, cluthing something in her hands. She turns to me. "I found this for you!" she says, opening up her hands. In her small fingers, lies a small blue rock, shaped like a star.

"Thank you." I say as she plops the small star shaped rock in my hands. I study it silently for a moment.

"I see you sometimes." Her comment confuses me and I look up from the star to her. "Outside late at night when I can't sleep. You just look up, sometimes. So one day I looked up, and saw what you were looking at." A dreamy expression crosses her face. "Stars." There's a moment where she thinks before she comes back to us. "I saw this when I was exploring and I wanted you to have it, so you can have stars all day!"

I look at her for a second. She has no idea the impact this has on me. I withdraw in myself for a moment, and Katniss immdeaitaly takes notice.

"Gardenia" I hear her say some how "Isn't Selk meeting you outside to go dig for routes?" the small girl gasps.

She jumps off her chair, but not before Katniss gives her a quick kiss, saying something about being home before dark. The two leave the room.

I stare off into space. Peeta offers me something to drink. Wine he suggests. I'm unsure if I accept it or not, but a few minutes later I feel the alchohol entering my system and I calm down. They don't know what's just happened, not yet, but if I go through with Katniss's plan, they one day will.

"Haymitch." Peeta begins in his calm voice "if you don't want to do this yet, we don't have to." I sit there frozen in my own thoughts, but something tugs on me, the desire to release it all. The desire to lessen the nightmares.

"No," I finally answer "I do."

"Good." I hear from behind me. I turn around to see Katniss carrying a large type writer, with somewhat of a struggle. "Because there is no way in hell I'm carrying this back up." I smile. Katniss, always lightening the mood. Peeta rushes over to help her.

"You can type? I thought you only designed dresses?" I tease. She glares at me, saying nothing.

"She's been practicing" Peeta answers for her. "She's actually been getting quite good." I nod.

"We'll have to see." I say simply. She sits down grudgingly, but the icy look on her face melts away.

"Are you read for this?" she asks. I look at her for a moment. Am I ready? I haven't prepared anything, I just want, I want, want to be free.

"I don't know where to start." I admit.

"The beginning is always a good place" Peeta says. I take a deep breath. The beginning I think to myself. Where do I begin? The beginning.

"I lived in the seam, with my mother and my brother. I barely remember my father. He left us when I was three, but I remember he was tall. I don't think he ever married my mom, seeing as she kept her maiden name. Minette Abernathy. She cleaned houses for a living."

It's strange saying such a simple fact as she cleaned houses, saying her name, something I haven't mentioned to anyone in years. It's strange, telling them these things, narrating my background, but they said the beginning, and that's about as beginning as I can get. Besides, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about the games yet. I need to get comfortable to telling them about me, before I get comfortable with telling them what had happened. I hear Katniss's clicking as she catches my words, and feel Peeta's interest.

"My mother, she was smart. Always made sure my brother and I did our best in school, always made us think, never gave us an easy way out. She was tough on us. My brother, Nelson, he was only a two years younger, but he was the smartest of the three of us. Things just came to him, and we were always at it, it just became our game. I always had to think more, to think better, to outsmart him. I guess in a way, my entire life they had helped me prepare for the ga-" I choke for a moment. I am quickly making the connections I drink away in my mind. The games, and after the games. After. Everything around me stops for a minute, and then I feel the cool liquid his my throat. In my hand I hold a class, more wine. I drink more, until the pain eases, and once again I can cope.

"Need something to eat?" Peeta asks kindly. I see now that I've almost drained the entire bottle. I nod.

"Thanks." He goes to retrieve the bread he put away before we started. Katniss looks up at me saying nothing. She knows she can't say sorry, or attempt to comfort me. She knows it's not what I want. She kindly lets me sit in silence, recooperating.

She fully understands why I've stopped. That the games were just scarring, the games are the reason I lost everything. Everyone. We only differ in that she didn't lose everyone. She got to keep Peeta. She could have kept Gale. I, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky.

Peeta sets the bread on the table, and I rip off a piece. It's still warm from the oven. I eat a bit.

"I think we did enough today." Katniss says with a smile. "Besides Flint is going to be up soon."

I leave for now. I don't really want to stay for dinner. Even revealing that much, talking about it is strenuous, but as the week goes on it gets easier. I talk about school, my mom, my brother, and my girlfriend. It isn't until mid-week when I bring Hestia up. Hestia, and her large dark grey eyes, long dark chocolate brown hair that curled at the ends, and kind smile. Hestia and her soft thin hands, long legs, and bony shoulders. Hestia, beautiful inside and out. Hestia and her warm laugh, her soft tears, and her constant bravery and selflessness. Hestia and her recklessness. Hestia and her complete naivety. Hestia Flowers.

She lived in the seam like I did. Her father a coal miner, and her mother who cleaned for many shop keepers. She was an only child, well the only child her parents could afford.

One day with Katniss and Peeta, Peeta asks me how I knew Hestia.

"Well, she was a cousin of a boy at my school. She was your dad's cousin." I tell her. She stops for a moment and tears build in her eyes. It's my turn to be kind and finish for the day.

The next time I'm back, I'm asked how I met Hestia Flowers.

"How I met her, or how she met me?" I ask, receiving a confused look for Katniss.

"They aren't the same thing?" she questions. I grin.

"The first time I met Hestia, we were 7.I liked to play tricks on the kids you know, mess with them, rile them up. I can't say I was ever the kindest. One day, I had a single coin, and some glue I had found in the school. Before classes I had glued the coin to the ground. When we were released, I quickly scrambled into a nearby tree to observe my victims. A few girls try, but give up quickly and leave. Then a few boys try, and this one wouldn't give up. So I laugh, but I don't think about anyone hearing me, or watching me. How would they know what I was doing? So anyway, I'm perched up in the tree, watching this kid, and I can't say he was a seam kid. He was pretty wealthy for district 12, so I didn't feel all that bad. Before I know it, something slams into the back of my head and I fall out of the tree. That's when a small girl approaches me, with her hair in a pony tail, cut all choppily.

" 'Stop being a jerk, and leave the kids alone. They aren't your lab rats.' She snapped at me before leaving. Now, this was the first time in my life someone had confronted me, so I was taken a little a back. It's reasonable. I just sat their shocked. Then she marched over to the boys, and tld them the coin was glued to the ground. They shouted something at her, and things looked like they were about to get violent, when a boy stepped in, your father Katniss. There was a quick scuffle, and it was over. And that's how I met her, but she didn't meet me until we were eleven." I smile, reveling in the few happy memories I have.

" Sometimes, I would leave out into the wild like you Katniss, but not for the same reasons, sometimes just to be by myself. A few of us seam kids would do it, just to escape, and back then, the peace keepers were pretty lenient. That was when Hestia met me. I had been just walking and thinking when I heard a crash. I leapt around, and on the ground behind me was Hestia, looking rather frustrated. Her legs were pretty scraped up.

" 'Struggling?' I asked her. She glared at me. I walked towards her and held out my hand to help her up.

'Bet you are just loving it.' she shot at me, as she got up on her own, ignoring my offer. Then she winced, but bit her lip trying to look strong.

'So what exactly are you doing- I mean attempting. Unless you were attempting to scar your legs, because if that's the case you have most definitely succeeded.' I teased. She huffed angrily, and went to stop her foot, but stopped midway. She had scraped herself up.

'It's no business of yours.' Hestia spat, turning her back on me, and re-approaching the tree.

'Why? If I may ask.' She ignored me for a minute, while she tried to pull herself up the tree, but I could see that she wouldn't be able to do it, that she had damaged the skin on her legs.

'Because you only care about yourself.' She said, trying a bit to hard to make her voice cruel, but she wasn't. Angry and defiant yes, but cruel no. Even now she struggled to say something, anything to make me go away as she tried to climb the tree. I watched her for a moment, just to see where she was looking as she climbed. At the top of the tree was something red, red and rhombus shaped. That's when I understood. Without ever answering I walked to the other side of the tree. I reached up, grabbing a lower branch and yanked myself up. I could feel the branch weakening under my weight, so I climbed up to the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. Pretty soon I was at the top of the tree. The kite was there, at the top. I grabbed it for her, and climbed out of the tree unsure of why she needed it.

I hopped down from the low branch and held it out for her, saying nothing. She gave me a wary look, but accepted it. We walked back in silence, slipping over the fence still, without saying anything to each other. I was pretty sure she was just thinking, and I well, I was just watching her. She was immensely beautiful, and everyone in the district knew it. If we picked the top 5 most beautiful girls in the district, she would be up there, and the ones beautiful on the inside as well, well she'd still be up there. I'm not sure about the rest. She didn't look at me the entire time, so it was pretty easy for me to steal glances at her, but as we went on I could see her legs were getting to her, so I took her hand, and headed to my own home.

I knew my mom kept rags, and such for cleaning. She didn't say much of anything, probably still thinking. I ran some cold water for her. It was winter, and she was shivering, but her cuts needed to be cleaned. I helped her wash the dirt out of her cuts and then went to get my mom's rags. I knew she'd get after me for it, but I couldn't let Hestia's wounds get infected.

She didn't speak until I was done helping her wrap up her legs.

"So, you aren't entirely self-centered and arrogant?" she said softly.

"Not entirely," I answered in a playful voice, "But don't tell anyone, I've got an image." I teased her, shushing her. "But I'm curious, why go through with all that, for this?" I was talking about the kite. She looked down for a moment, and her face got all red. It was the first time I'd ever seen her embarrassed.

"My neighbor, this boy, he's about 7, and it's his. He saved up all summer and fall to get it, and a few days ago, it got caught in the wind. He cried all night, so I was determined to get it back for him." I remember being a little bit shocked, and I think she blushed even more.

"Just for a seven year old's kite?" She nodded and looked away. I went with her to give to the little boy. He was dirty, his eyes puffy, but when he saw her, when he saw what she was holding, he screamed with joy and ran at her, thaning her with tears and hugs, before he ran into his house shouting that Hestia had saved his kite.

"Actually it was…" she went to correct him I remember, tell him it was me, but I took her hand and squeezed it to silently catch her attention. She looked over at me, and I smiled trying to say that this was all her doing, none of mine. That day she met me, we became friends, and when were 14 I finally asked her out."

Peeta smiles, not at me, but at Katniss who is typing up my words rapidly. I can tell he's remembering when he first saw Katniss, and more importantly when she first saw him. Really saw him. I hear Katniss stop typing. She looks up. There's only one thing left to continue onto.

"My life wasn't perfect, but it was as perfect as I needed, until, the year I turned 16, when I was chosen as the 4th District 12 tribute."

**Hope you liked it! – Please review! I'm glad we got a slightly happy chapter, won't see one of those for another…. Yea.**


	2. I am a tribute

**Second chapter! Woo! Please review, and all sorts of things! I hope you like it, we're just beginning!**

I felt myself get quiet after mentioning being chosen as a tribute. Katniss stares at her keyboard expectantly, not wanting to put any pressure on me. Gardenia runs into the room.

"Isn't it your bed time?" Peeta said, taking the focus off of me for a second, and directing it to his daughter. I rub my eyes. It's getting late.

She releases a large yawn. "But daddy, Flint woke me up."

"Flint's up?" Katniss sighs. Gardenia nods quickly. Katniss looks to Peeta, and then to me. "Haymitch, do you mind if we start again tomorrow?" she asks.

"It's fine sweet heart." I tease to let her know it's alright. It's more than alright, I need more time to mentally prepare.

"Let's head up stairs." Katniss says holding out her hand to her daughter, but Gardenia shakes her head.

"Wait!" she yelps. "Not yet!"

"Not yet?" Katniss asks. Gardenia nods, and runs towards me. She latches onto my leg.

"Sorry."

"For what?" I ask.

"I forgot to say goodnight." I am continually amazed about how this little girl always touches me, and I almost forget to respond. She squeezes my leg even tighter.

"Good night champ." I tell her. She smiles, pleased, and takes her mother's hand. Katniss and Gardenia leave the room.

"I think, I should be heading out." I say to Peeta when I see him glance at the stairs his wife has just climbed.

"You sure? You can stay as long as you'd like Haymitch." He answers, but I shake my head.

"No, it's getting late, I'm going to leave." I say to Peeta, who nods in agreement, and walks me out.

I walk home by myself. It's cold, and I pull my jacket around myself tighter. The winds whistles, and leaves rustle. It's a soft, lonely night. I breath in the cool air and allow it to bring me to my sense, calm me down. It rushes into my lungs, and I feel a bit of weight lifted off my shoulders. I take a few more breathes in, letting the cool night air ease in and out of me. My eyelids grow heavy, and I yawn.

I near my house after a few short minutes. When my hand is on the knob, I stop for a moment, think for just a second, and then I do something I haven't done since my first meeting with Katniss and Peeta, when I began to tell them about my life.

It turn around, and I look up at the stars. I stand there for a long time, just staring as they twinkle down at me, and all I see, all I see in the starry sky, is Hestia. Her soft face, her strong grey eyes, her, soft and kind smile. It hovers there with all the beauty of the stars. It engulfs me in a way that it hasn't in a long time. Memories rush back.

I quickly enter my house and slam the door shut, as I head straight for the liquor cabinet and begin to drink, but it's not the same. It doesn't numb me as easily as it used to, so I continue to drink. And drink. And drink. Until finally I pass out.

I wake up in a drunken stupor, reeking of alcohol, so I clumsily head up stairs for a bath. It's almost evening by the time I'm dressed, and my head ache is set in. I sigh. It's what I get for reverting back to that kind of drinking. I go downstairs to count causalities. Not one bottle has survived, all emptied of their contents.

The geese croon outside for me to tend to them. They are pretty independent, except I feed them bread chunks occasionally. I mostly just sit on the bench as they eat the crumbs when I hear steps coming from behind me.

"Haymitch! HAYMITCH!" something yelps behind me.

"Gardenia! Hold on!" I hear Peeta shout. "It's not polite to-"but I turn around and it's too late as she rams her head into me, and the looks up with a smile. She climbs up onto the bench next to me, a smile spread wide on her face. I hear Peeta's foot steps behind me.

"Sorry," he says as I turn around "I didn't mean for her to-"

"It's fine." Haymitch answers "I was just feeding the geese." I pause awkwardly for a moment "You two can join me if you like." Peeta politely grins and sits next to Gardenia. She laughs and smiles, and talks about the geese.

Once she's thrown all that's left of the bread I had brought out, she leaps of the bench and runs at the geese. They surround her, and she chases them, releasing loud giggles.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be more comforting last night when Katniss left." Peeta finally says.

"You've been saying sorry quite a lot lately" I comment.

Peeta looks uncomfortable. He swallows. "Well…it's just, you leaving her, I wish I could have been, I don't know, more consoling, because your reaping it was…" he feels awkward unsure of what to say. I silently commend him for at least trying, but I am past being consoled. I have only one friend who can console me now. Alcohol.

"Hey," I begin "At least we weren't both drawn." It's funny how I'm consoling him now with my twisted sense of humor. Peeta's a good guy, there's no reason for him to be upset about not being able to help me get myself back together. I've been broken to long for that.

I knock on their door a few nights later. We've planned to continue tonight. Katniss opens the door, carrying Flint. His eyes flutter open and closed. He's a beautiful baby, soft grey eyes, rosy cheeks, and curly blonde hair. He yawns, and nuzzles into Katniss' shoulder.

"We're running late tonight" she says with an apologetic look on her face.

"Need any help?" I ask, but she shakes her head.

"Peeta's getting Gardenia to bed, and all that's left is to lay him" she says, gesturing the almost unconscious child on her shoulder. "Come on in, we'll be down in a second."

I step into the house and head into the kitchen, probably the most used room in the whole house. It's warm in here, and always smells like freshly baked goods. I feel a bit more prepared to talk about the reaping today, but I feel my throat getting dry. I get some water and take slow sips to keep myself distracted.

It's not long before Peeta and Katniss are down stairs with me. Peeta get Katniss a cup of coffee. She drinks it gingerly, rubbing her temples, her eyes closed.

"Tired?" I ask. She nods.

"Flint's been teething." Peeta answers for her. "Would you like some coffee Haymitch?" He's getting himself a cup.

"I'm good." I say, because I am fine with my water. I like that it's not strong, that I can sip it without taste, it's calming.

We sit just making idle chatter for a while. When Katniss finished her coffee we begin.

"The morning of the reaping was a dull one, and at the beginning of the day I could have never known its end. My brother and I went to go buy some medicine. My mother was sick, but she continued to work. The cost was two weeks of food, but my brother and I both signed up for the tesserae. On our way back when ran into Hestia. She wore a soft dark red dress and her air fell loosely on her shoulders. That's when I was reminded it was the day of reaping.

"It's not like it matters," I told them "I mean out of everyone, what's the likelihood that one of us will be picked?" I rubbed my thumb softly over Hestia's hand. She had been thinking and telling us about it that morning, thinking about how awful it would be someone we knew was picked.

"Do you really want me to do the math?" my brother groaned.

"Yes Nelson, right here, right now in the dirt. I was completely serious." Hestia laughed, leaning into me, and Nelson rolled his eyes, a smirk on his face.

"Well we could handle ourselves in there" Nelson said. Hesita shot a look of shock at my brother.

"You really think I could do it?" she gasped. I wasn't sure if she was happy about it or disgusted.

"Sorry let me clear that up. It was vague I'll admit" Nelson began "We as in Haymitch and I, we as in not you."

"Why can you guys do it but I can't!" she argued, slightly offended "Is it because I'm a girl! What do you two have that I don't! I'm just as tough!" Nelson laughed quietly.

"Haymitch and I would out smart everyone, and you can't even step on a bug without feeling sorry." He reasoned.

"You don't agree, do you Haymitch?" she asked, some concern in her voice.

I smiled playfully at her. "You'd kill them with kindness." She gently punched me.

"You suck." she grunted, softly punching me again, as I pretended to shield myself.

"Clever retort." I responded hearing my brother laugh in the background.

"You're a cold blood killer Hestia." Nelson teased her further. We argued playfully until we reached my house. My brother went inside to put away the medicine, leaving Hestia and I alone. She turned towards me, and pressed her head into my chest.

"Do you really think I'm too soft?" she whispered. I wrapped my arms around her pulling her closer.

"No, you're exactly what I need." She pulled away from my chest and we kissed.

"Are you done yet, or are we going to be late?" Nelson interrupted, and Hestia blushed. I shot him a quick glare and he put up his hands like he was surrendering. "Just trying to be punctual. Who wants to be late for their death sentence?" he joked, but I could see the concern in Hestia's eyes. She was always uncomfortable around the reaping. It honestly upset her. I feel as if my family had created a harden shell, but Hestia would never develop it. She cared too much. Around the time the reaping was to come she'd lose sleep and sometimes stop eating.

Nelson understood what I meant when I glared, and looked to Hestia. After that his little jokes ended.

At the reaping we parted, waiting for the tributes to be chosen. Linda Pearl prepared to pick four tributes. I froze. Four. It didn't hit me until then that the odds of someone we knew being chosen had risen, but not by much.

Linda Pearl pulled out the first paper.

"Soot Rivers." she called. A girl with black hair the fell to just under her chin walked up. Her eyes carried a pure anger. She's taller than Hestia, with a snake like look at her. Her eyes narrowed over the crowd, and her hands clenched into fists.

"Lark Topper" She called next and a tall lean boy with shaggy light brown hair and small mud brown eyes came forward. He had long limbs and a quiet frown. Not a fighter. He'd already been condemned.

"Maysilee Donner." She called next. I recognized her. She was a merchant's daughter. She had blue eyes and long curly blonde hair. She looked harmless, but not in the same way as Lark Topper, who looked on the verge of being blown over by the wind. She just looked like she didn't want to hurt anyone.

"Haymitch Abernathy." I heard my name, but I didn't register it. It couldn't be true, the odds, the odds. I pulled myself together. It had to be someone. It had to be someone. I walked up slowly, but steadily.

I was the fourth tribute for the 50th hunger games, and the odds were against me."

**Please review! **


	3. I say good bye the first time

**Yea this chapter is pretty short, but it accomplishes what it needs to. Please enjoy!**

"We were about to leave when family and friends were allowed to come say good bye. The first person to enter was my mom. She had stopped working and run up to me, a look of seriousness in her eyes.

She choked down a sob. I could see her eyes watering. "I'll have to keep an extra eye on Nelson until you come back" she said, and for some reason it comforted me. Maybe it was how sure and matter of fact she said it.

She said 'until you come back' so certainly, not leaving room for if's or but's about not doing so. And maybe, it was the normalness of it all. The way she said it. I could tell she was going to cry, but when she spoke her voice remained steady, and that in itself helped me stay steady.

Next was Nelson. He gave me a strong hug. "Don't waste your time killing!" he said quietly, so not even the cameras could pick it up. "It's not your strength. Get what you can and avoid confrontation." I nodded absorbing what he was saying. "And remember, like when we fight at home…"

"Always keep your back to the wall." I finished.

"Because there has to be an end to the arena somewhere, and if you can find it…" he began, but I saw where he was going and completed his sentence.

"Then I'm golden." He gave me a half-hearted melancholy smile.

"You know, you are my favorite big brother" he told me.

"Your only."

"That could be a contributing factor." He tried to strengthen his smile, pull off one of his signature smart ass smirks, but it failed. I hit him lightly on the head.

"See you when I get back." I said as certain as I could. Maybe my mom was right about one thing. I couldn't give up now. I was coming back, and the more I said it, the more I felt it.

"See you soon." He answered before leaving. I had one more visitor. She walked slowly into the room, blinking back tears. She let her black hair fall over her face as if to shield her sadness from me as she composed herself. She came close to me and took my hands in hers.

"Haymitch," she began softly, struggling to stay composed. "You are the smartest man, you are the smartest person I've ever known, and I know that I'll see you again." She looked up at me sternly, but lovingly with her deep dark grey eyes. "Never ever give up on yourself, because if you do, then youll never come back. " Her face came closer to mine.

"And remember," she almost whispered "I love you, with everything that I have." I brought my hand up to her face, touching it gently, never breaking eye contact with her. Then I allowed myself to break the rule I had silently made from myself; the rule where I acted as if everything was alright, as if I was going to come back. I kissed her like it could be my last time, and she kissed me back, just as strong. I kissed her like I had never kissed her before, pulling her tight into me. Then all of the sudden she was gone.

"Come back." She demanded as she stepped away. The peace keepers we nearing in, preparing to separate us.

"Hestia, I love you, and I promise I'll come back." She left, and I silently boarded the train, along with Soot, Maysilee, and Lark.

Lark's eyes were red, and he sat nervously. He was only about 13. Soot didn't seem as angry anymore, in fact, there was something strange the glittered in her eyes, something dark, and mysterious, something _lustful._ She tossed back her short black hair, and sat straight. She was about 17. Lastly, Maysilee boarded the train. She was teary, but not puffy like Lark. She looked at the three of us and nodded as a greeting.

And then, we were off."

I pause and take a deep breathe. Not a ton, but enough for today. I'm not sure if I can get into what happened to me next while controlling my emotions. I want to prepare myself a bit more, take time at home to calm myself.

Just sometimes in my life, what I have done has been exactly right, and other times, I haven't been.

Sometimes I've just been so wrong, that I myself can't face it. I guess facing my mistakes is one of my weaknesses. I look up at the two people who I consider my closest friends, Katniss and Peeta, and they don't know me truly. They know me, but they don't. It's hard to puzzle out.

I can see Katniss and Peeta comparing the day I was reaped to the day they were, their thoughts, feelings, the way they left.

Another similarity Katniss and I share entering the games. We both had the same mindset. Peeta was prepared to die, but Katniss and I that wasn't how we thought. I planned to live. I told myself I would, and I gave myself no other options. Katniss did the same.

We both had decided we'd come back home. It wasn't about winning or losing, it was about returning home.

I say it's late and I excuse myself for the night. They walk me to the door and hug me good bye, and invite me to dinner the next night. After some coercing, I say that I will come to dinner the next day. I feel that they push for this so I don't go drinking and disappear for the next few days again. Maybe I don't look good, but their offer is warm and open hearted, which comforts me in my ill thoughts.

I don't like admitting to mistakes, and if I truly am going to face my nightmares, then I'll have to tell someone at some point, and who better than the last two people on earth I consider close to me?

**I hope you liked it! A bit vague, but it's necessary! Please review. My dream is to have more reviews than my chapters (hint hint), but really I hope you liked it, and don't worry I will very rarely have short chapters.**


	4. I was losing

**SORRY College applications have kept me busy! I hope you enjoy it! We're getting close to the games. Whenever I right Haymitch I always imagine Robert Downey Jr. I hope you enjoy! And please review! SORRY! Updates will be more frequent now **

It's six when I walk over to their house. The sun is just beginning to set. I knock on the door. Katniss opens it, Flint squirming in her arms. He looks at me with his big round eyes before releasing a cry.

"Sorry," Katniss says "Flint's a bit grumpy." He gnaws on her shoulder with his gums, whimpering occasionally.

"Still teething?" I ask, stepping into their house.

She nods. "And hungry."

I follow her into the kitchen where she sets down Flint. He mumbles to himself looking troubled. "Sit down, we'll have dinner out in a minute." Katniss says when she returns to the room, her arms full of plates, forks, and knives.

"Here I'll help you out" I say walking toward her and relieving her of the plates before I help her set the table. We're finishing when Gardenia runs into the room, her apron besmirched by red sauce.

"Dinner's ready!" she squeals. Then she flips around and scampers back into the kitchen. In a few minutes we're all sitting around the table, the smell of pasta filling the room. Gardenia sits and tells me that she helped her dad cook today, and helped him make the sauce and boil the noodles. She says it proudly in mumbles as she shoves more pasta in her mouth.

Flint murmurs to himself happily as he eats his pasta.

Dinner conversation is polite and warm, and for a while I feel like I'm part of a home. When we are finished Gardenia smiles widely at me and slips of her chair.

"Where are you going?" Katniss asks her.

"Desserts!" she squeals as she skips out of the room, not looking back at us. Katniss looks to Peeta and he nods.

"Gardenia!" he calls "Wait for me!" he walks after her.

"You're too slow daddy!" I hear her giggle. I look at Katniss, who's looking in their directions smiling. She turns to me. We're silent and her smile starts to fade.

"He's coming again" Katniss says softly.

"Why do you think that is?" I ask "Wouldn't it be hard for him to take time out of his busy schedule?" My words are partially sincere, but only partially. I'm somewhat mocking him, and I know it makes her uncomfortable, but I can't help it. I can't help but think of Peeta.

"He says he just wants to visit. See how we're all doing" she explains "He said that he wants to take Gardenia out hunting"

"Well that's useful, it's not like there's anyone around here who does that with her." Katniss shoots me a sharp glare and I know I've passed the line.

"How's Peeta feeling about it?"

"He says-" but Katniss is cut off by loud giggles.

"Daddy let me carry it!"

"Okay, okay" I hear Peeta say. Only a few moments go by before I see them re-enter the room. Gardenia wobbles in, a large glass plate in her arms. She walks unsteadily, trying to hold up the weight of the large cake as she struggles to the table.

"Hay-mitch" she grunts in her small voice "We" she huffs "Bakedyouacake" she spits out in a rush, and her father lifts the cake out of her arms.

"Daddy!" she whines as she glares up at him. Her mother signature glare. He smiles at her and laughs.

"And how were you expecting to put it on the table?" he asks "You have to climb into your seat" He places the cake on the table. She looks to her mother, but doesn't receive the desired response. She looks to me.

"Your father does have a point" I say. She sticks out her tongue at me. Not the response she desired. I smile at her, and she spins around away from me and crosses her arms. Peeta rejoins us at the table.

"This cake _sure_ does look good" Katniss says in a loud fake surprised voice, but it does what she intended it to do. I see Gardenia glance, a small smile on her face, and then quickly turn away.

"Well Gardenia and I worked really hard on it" Peeta responds, much more convincingly than Katniss. "Too bad she's missing out." He starts to cut the cake. "Want this piece Haymitch?"

I am prepared for this. I smile to myself as I answer "Yes please, it really does look great"

"I hope there's enough left for Gardenia" Katniss says, her tone not convincing at all, but that doesn't matter to Gardenia. The idea has been planted in her head.

"I'm sorry!" she squeals "Help me up Daddy! Help me up!"

Peeta suppresses a laugh as he walks over and lifts her on to her chair as she shakes in excitement.

"That one Mommy!" she pipes, and Katniss cuts a slice for her. As soon as it's on her plate she starts to devour it, icing smeared across her face. I taste the cake. It is warm, moist and sweet. "Do you like it?" she asks me her mouth full of cake.

"I don't know…" I say. Her smile starts to fade, but before it entirely disappears I speak again "I'm pretty sure it's the best cake I've ever had." She squeals with joy upon hearing this, and then shovels in another bite.

It's not long before Katniss is washing them both up and taking them to bed with Gardenia voicing her complaints the entirety of the time. Gardenia runs out and hugs me before disappearing with her mother and brother upstairs.

I help Peeta clean up with dinner. My stomach twists as I know what's coming next. I suck it up. I've endured worse, and I've already asked them to do this for me. After we finish, Katniss enters the room.

"How difficult was she?" Peeta asks her as we go sit down.

Katniss smiles and releases a sigh "When isn't she difficult?"

"So the usual?" Peeta confirms.

"Complaints, arguing, running, jumping" Katniss turns to me "and then as soon as I can get her to put her head on her pillows she's out."

"Doesn't sound too bad" I answer. Peeta laughs.

"Then you try getting her to put her head down" He's still laughing when he sits across from me, and I can see how much they've healed. They'll never heal completely, those nightmares, those horrors, those tragedies will always be heavy in their hearts, but they have the power to smile. To laugh. To live their lives.

Pretty soon we're all seated, and I'm ready to start. They look at me, their eyes filled with worry and curiosity, and I can't blame them for either.

"We didn't really speak to our mentor until we got onto the train. She had been quiet during the reaping, so much so that I did not notice her.

It was at dinner where we saw her. She was an older women with short greying hair, and grey eyes with wrinkles crinkling at the edges. Her skin was light, and she had thin pink lips. She was wearing a simple black dress that covered most of her body. I know who she is. We have had two victors.

Juniper Green was about forty-two, and our other was Neon Limestone. He was in his thirties, but caught an illness that killed him only a few years back. He was the district 12 mentor until then.

There was something sharp in her eyes, something cruel. When she sat down, she said nothing the entire meal, but instead observed each of them, taking down notes on her pad. She ate slowly, and quietly, making hardly any noise. Our escort, Linda Pearl had disappeared to call the capitol about our schedule. She hadn't done much either, just given us a basic run through before our departure, but still it was more than Juniper.

After dinner Juniper stood up. "I would like to speak to you, Haymitch. Alone" she said very clearly, looking at the other three tributes. It had been the first time we had heard her soft but sharp voice. When they left it was only her and me. I felt my heart racing, but I tried to keep a cool calm about myself. She glanced down at her notepad.

"Haymitch Abernathy" she stated "What can you do for me?"

I glanced around, unsure of what she was expecting me to answer. I had no money if that's what she was asking. No resources. "Nothing" I said calmly. She raised her eyebrow.

"Well, that's not a surviving attitude." her voice cut through the air. "You have to be able to do _something._ Can you use an axe? Or a sword? Even a knife would do…" and then I understood when she meant.

"I'm pretty good with hand to hand combat." She looked unimpressed. "And I'm pretty quick." Her expression didn't change. "I'm smart too" I said indifferently, hoping to get some sort of reaction, my façade weakening. She looked down at her notepad and dragged her pen across it in a quick swift fashion.

"Thank you Mr. Abernathy," she began, her tone in no way correlating with her words "Would you mind sending in Soot Rivers?"

"Not at all" I lied. I really did mind. I felt that right then I was doomed to die in the games. She had dismissed me so easily. My heart ached, because I thought I wouldn't be coming home. I knocked on the room that supposedly belonged to Soot. She had already undressed and put on a robe, and was now brushing her teeth.

"I'll be there in a second" she mumbled angrily. I didn't pass on the message. Instead I went to my own room and laid down. I left my door open so that I could see them, outside in the hall. First Soot left. She was gone for a while. Then she came back, and the Lark boy left. He came back almost minutes later, and last Maysilee. I didn't have to think about what was going on. It was apparent as soon as Juniper had asked me to go get Soot for her.

She wasn't going to be able to work with all of us efficiently. Only one could survive, and it would be a waste to attempt to mentor all of us. We were only on the train ride, and the hunger games had already began, and I was losing."

I stop for a moment and think about when I was a mentor. I look at Katniss and Peeta.

"I could never choose one. A lot of mentors pick their winners, but I never could, and every tribute I had was killed. I never did choose one, until Peeta made me." I sigh and think of all the faces, the young and vibrant faces who died. But never could I put them through being cast off for being weak.


	5. I watch

**Another chapter! I told you I'd be updating more often! I really hope you enjoy it! Please review!**

"I couldn't sleep that night. I knew I was allowed a token, and I remember keeping it in my pocket. Juniper didn't ask for it. It was Hestia's thimble. She used to sew, and one day I tried to help her, but I wasn't as good. The needle kept slipping and stabbing my thumb. That's when she took it off her own thumb, it was a little bit big for her, and she crammed it onto my thumb. When I told her to take it back she told me I needed it more, and just liked I'd always protect her, she'd always protect me.

It was in that moment I knew I couldn't give up. Even if Juniper thought I would die, even if she had written me off I could do this on my own. I was smart enough. I was fast enough. And I needed to go back. I promised her I'd protect her, and here I was.

Linda knocked on my door. I didn't say anything, but she opened it anyway. "Oh good you are up too" she said softly. I wondered for a moment who else was awake "I never received your token. Do you have one? I have to see if it passes the inspection."

I weighed what I should do for a moment. Should I give it to her? What if I never got it back? But then again, they'd take it from me anyway. I reached into my pocket and took out the thimble. Her smile faded slightly.

"A thimble?" she tried to say cheerily.

I nodded as I walked over to her. She took it, and with a fake smile she left. That's when I heard noise coming from down the train. I followed it, to find Maysilee and Soot sitting with Juniper. They were watching the chosen tributes. I stopped for a moment, but then I sat down with them when they were showing District Eleven. I scolded myself as I sat with them. I had missed forty tributes. Forty. I should have been there, I should have been preparing.

District 11's first tribute was a girl, about seventeen, tall and lean, with big hands. Byrd Leland. After wards they called up a boy, about 13, but small for his age, with an even smaller face. Oak Rettle. Next was the third girl, May Johns, about 15 shorter than the first girl, but much prettier with big eyes and lips. Lastly was Hugh Pine. He was sixteen, and almost as tall as Byrd, but much broader. Not thicker, broader. I tried to take mental notes, figure out what their strengths would be, but then everything changed. It was District 12. Soot got up and left, but I stayed. Not because I wanted to see it, but because I wanted to show Juniper I'm taking it seriously. I wanted to show myself I'm taking this seriously.

They called up Soot first. There was no stirring as she walked. Then Lark is called and I could see his older siblings. They looked upset. Then Maysilee was called. She was teary eyed, but she walked up steadily, her head still. Then they called me up. I didn't move for a minute, but then I started to move quickly. That was when it ended and they showed us visiting our friends and family. For a moment my heart raced. I was going to see Hestia again. That's when Juniper flicked it off and yawned.

She and glanced down at her watch. She got up wordlessly and disappeared, leaving only Maysilee and I. I looked over at her. She was prettier than I remembered. Her eyes were pretty, but small, and her lips were a bit thin, but her skin was clear and soft looking. She was a bit chubby in the face. Her long curly blonde hair hung loosely around her face. She brushed it back with her small fingers before looking at me.

"We should probably get to sleep" Maysilee said, but she didn't stand up. I sat there too. We sat their silently for a few moments. "You want to turn it back on don't you?" she asked, but I said nothing. I didn't want her to see me weak. I had to stay strong. She smiled sadly and then clicked it back on. "Good night" she said before disappearing. When she was gone I looked to the television. It was the end of my time.

I saw Hestia, they got a close shot on her face, her dark grey eyes teary. I blinked back my own. I watched us kiss. The peace keepers came in closer. She saw them. I saw her see them, and she pulled away. I wanted to look away from the screen, but I couldn't.

"I love you!" the me on the television said. "And I promise I'll-"

The screen shut off and I saw someone behind me in the dark. It took my eyes a moment to adjust. "Pathetic."

It's Soot. Her robe hung on her loosely, and her cleavage was more than visible. I was pretty sure she was wearing nothing else.

"And a waste of your damn time" she snapped. She wasn't intelligent, but she was cruel. It was a catty cruelness. At that, Soot stalked off, and I sat alone in the dark.

We only spent on more day on the train until we made it to the Capitol-"

There's a loud cry, and immediately I know it's Flint. Katniss stops typing and looks to Peeta.

"We can stop here" I say. I know she wants to go up to Flint.

"Okay then" she says not wasting any time with pointless bickering "Night Haymitch. See you tomorrow."

They've been saying that a lot more, as if to remind me to be here tomorrow, not to do anything stupid, to keep an eye on myself, or rather that they are keeping an eye on me. But I won't do it. I can't kill myself. I think about Gardenia and how it would upset her, how young she is. Just a child. I stop my train of thought and look to Peeta.

He doesn't say anything, but I know what's on his mind.

"Katniss told me he's coming around again" I say. Peeta shrugs. "What're you really okay with it?" I'm concerned, but it comes out crueler than intended.

Peeta shrugs. "She chose me didn't she?"

Gale is there the next day. He's flown over again. Over the years people have started to return to District 12, some have even started families with kids that Gardenia plays with. But not Gale. He's visited twice before. I remember a time when Katniss couldn't bear to see him, but he had eased his way in. It wasn't malicious, I just can't help but think about Peeta.

He's always amiable, a smile on his face when Gale comes. He never stays longer than a few days though. This time he's only staying two. He always rushes out, back to work. He's well respected so he gets what he wants, but not for too long.

I don't know him well, so I'm cautious about my visits. I don't want to say anything to upset Peeta or Katniss.

But I figure it's rude of me not to go over at some point before he leaves, and there's not much else to do, so the second morning I walk over to their house.

It's early when I knock on the door. Peeta opens it Flint in his arm.

"Hey Haymitch" he says. Flint is gnawing on his hand. He points to me. "Yeah that's Haymitch" Peeta says with a smile. "Want to come in?" he asks stepping out of the way.

"Yea, thanks" I say as I step in. "How are you doing?" I know this time I sound more sincere than cruel, and I truly am.

"Good" Peeta answers shutting the door. "They're out hunting right now"

"Katniss too?" I ask, but quickly regret it even if I don't show it.

"Well Gale invited me," Peeta begins "But I thought it would be easier for them to hunt if they actually had prey to hunt."

"You never were quiet." I laugh "Katniss was by far a better hunter than you were."

"I tried not to scare away the prey" he says. "Besides someone needed to keep an eye on Flint" Flint perks up at the mention of his name. Peeta smile at his son. "Yes you." Flint smiles.

"Want some coffee?" Peeta asks me.

"Yes" I say, not because I really want any, but because I drank alone last night, and I always drink more when I drink alone.

We sit and talk idly as we drink. Flint plays with spoons at the table occasionally chewing on them. It's nice and quiet when I hear a triumphant scream and running.

"Daddy!" the voice cries "Daddy!" Only moments later Gardenia appears in the kitchen, her kill on her back. She has a goose. "Haymitch!" she squeals next "Daddy! Look! I got it on my own!" She's beaming at us. Katniss and Gale follow her shortly.

"Looks good kid" I say. Peeta nods with a smile.

"It's a big one" he says.

"Sure is!" Gardenia exclaims, gawking at the size of her kill. Gale laughs.

"It'll be a good dinner" Gale comments.

"Oh" Katniss sighs "We should have gone hunting yesterday, then we could've eaten it all together." She looks disappointed. More disappointed than she should be. My eyes fall on her disapprovingly and she shoots a glare at me.

"Are you sure you can't stay?" Peeta asks Gale. Gale shakes his head.

"Positive" he answers Peeta. "The plan is picking me up in the next few hours."

_What a shame_ I think to myself sarcastically. I silently congratulate myself on not saying it aloud. Who knows what Katniss would have done.

Gale sits down with us to talk, and Gardenia jumps up onto her mother's lap. I don't say much because I don't want to say anything offensive. It's strange honestly censoring myself after all these years, but I do it for them. A while later we're walking Gale to where the plane is picking him up. I'm carrying Flint in my arms, and Gardenia is chattering to me as we walk back to their house about hunting in the woods with her mother and Gale. I look back over my shoulder and I see Katniss and Peeta walking behind us. Katniss reaches out and takes his hand, and he grasps it back firmly. Peeta was right.

She did choose him.

**Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! Please review!**


	6. I didn't

**Another chapter! I'm on roll! Thanks for reading! Hopefully I just keep updating frequently! Please enjoy and review!**

I'm there again after dinner. I was going to leave, but they invited me to eat Gardenia's goose with them. It was delicious. Gardenia told us about how she was so quiet in her tree, and then we she saw it she shot. She's proud of herself and continues to tell me the story as her father carries her up the stairs to her room.

"Good night!" she calls out before disappearing.

Katniss stares me down as we sit alone at the table. She's expecting me to bring up Gale. To have some snide remark. But I don't. I don't say anything about Gale, and I can tell she's confused.

Peeta comes down a bit later. Katniss turns and smiles.

"She went down easy today?" she asks.

Peeta nods "Too busy talking about the hunt to fight how tired she was."

"She should be tired!" Katniss exclaimed "She was climbing up in trees with her new bow. It was impossible to get her down."

Peeta laughs as he walks through the room and to the next. I can feel Katniss is a bit less tense, but she still has her guard up. It's only been a few seconds and Peeta has brought the type writer over.

They set it up and I prepare myself and think about where Ieft off last time, shaking Peeta, Katniss and Gale from my head. While they are busy I get up and go to their cabinet taking out the wine. I know the only reason they buy it is because I come. They so rarely drink. I grab three glasses and fill them bringing the glasses to the table. I try to limit myself to glasses. That way I can measure how much I drink. At home sometimes I just drink it from the bottle.

I put down the classes and sit down.

"Thanks Haymitch" Peeta says as he picks one up and sips it. Katniss nods as she looks up. Her fingers are positioned on the keyboards.

"We arrived at the Capitol midday. There was cheering, but we were immediately transitioned to our stylists. I walked into a room with two men, and one woman. The first thing they asked me to do was strip down. I glared at them. It was irritating standing their naked as they gawked at me. The woman laughed.

Her name was Hera. She was tall and thin, with a gaunt face and short golden hair that fell to her shoulders, and heavy bangs. Her fingers were long and spider like and she walked as if she had a regal air about her. She was about a foot taller than the two men, with long legs. Her pointed to me with a chuckle.

"Wait until Osiris gets a good look at this one" she scoffed. "At least he'll have a couple of things to work with." Her long decorated pink nail pointed down, and for a moment I felt embarrassed.

"He's got more than just that" one man said. His name was Ericson. "But let's get him ready." Hera snorted, but sighed. That's when they started on me.

I was scrubbed, waxes, lotioned, tweezed, and my calluses were rubbed off. They left my face alone though, there was no chemical rub on my face. It wasn't 'in' for those few years. That was when they liked their men rugged.

After I was washed up they gave me a robe, and the prep team took me to my stylist, who I assumed was Osiris.

He was an older man, with long white and brown hair he braided down his head. He had a mustache and a beard that were brown, but were black at the tips as if they were burned. Like I said, they liked their men rugged.

Also in the room were Soot, Lark, and Maysilee. Soot was waxed from head to two, her hair was cut at a forward angle, shorter in the back, and longer in the front. Her lips looked fuller than before. Sex. I look at Maysilee and her hair was still long, her eye lashes darker as if it make her eyes larger, make her look more helpless. Weak. Lark, unlike me, was not sporting the rugged look. They had cleaned him up. Class. That's what they're tried to pull with him, but it doesn't work.

But then again I was not sure rugged worked for me.

We all sat down with him and ate, and our prep teams left They were all busy chattering about all of us, who was the most attractive, who had the best body, all the prep work they had to do.

I don't really remember the food. It was salty, and I ate it little by little. I was busy watching Osiris. He was strange, with orange-ish skin, and ate a lot very quickly. I was used to taking my time with meals.

"So I have decided on your costuming for the opening ceremonies" he started. He coughed and put down his plate. "We're going to make being coal miners sexy." As soon as he said that I wrote him off. It was the most moronic thing anyone had said all day. Sexy coal miners? I was what they tried every year. It was as if he didn't even want to try. Like he didn't care. He was explaining his idea, but I stopped listening and really started eating.

A few hours later I saw what 'sexy coal miners' meant. I was wearing bright yellow shorts with fake dirt smudges in the pattern. When I pulled them on I noticed how tight they were. I had never dressed like that before. I started to argue with my prep team, about the absurdity of the costume but they ignored me.

"Trust me" Hera sighed "He's doing his best. It's not Osiris' fault you came from a crap hole." She rolled her eyes. "You're wearing it wrong." She groaned and got up, putting down her drink. She reached down into my pants and readjusted me, and then took the suspenders and tighten them so the shorts cupped my butt. She "That's how it's worn" she said with a smile.

I grumbled, but went to go put on my helmet and get my pick axe. I walked to where the rest of the District 12 tributes were. That's when I realized that this was my first time seeing all the tributes. I started to look for anyone threatening, measure everyone up. There was a particularly large girl with blonde hair. She wasn't particularly large for a girl, but rather particularly large for a person. From District 2 there are two muscular boys with broad shoulders, and Neanderthal faces. In District 4 there's thin lean girl with curly red hair and freckles. I was trying to absorb it all when I realized the opening ceremonies art starting. We all got in our places, preparing to 'flex' and 'stretch' in order to make our bodies to look good in the costumes. It really was pathetic.

District Eleven was before us. Their costumes were made entirely of food. It was such a waste, beautiful plums, apples, and peaches formed into costumes. The girl, May Johns, was practically glowing in her outfit, her skin supple and soft like the fruit, her eyes large and brown. She looked at me, but then looked away. The fruit outfits make sense. The other two don't need to be sold, they're big and strong. She was too pretty. Not sexy, pretty.

They left and in a moment it was going be our turn. I wouldn't look like an idiot, but I'd at least mess with my pick. I wanted them to know I was proficient with a weapon, even though I wasn't.

We went through. There was cheering. Soot was playing up her lack of clothing. Maysillee was a bit awkward, uncomfortable with a pick in her hands. Lark was doing what they said. Flexing his lack of muscle, and stretching. It felt like hours before the ceremony was over."

I stop and sigh. It's strange thinking about all of it again. I go to sip again from my glass, but it's empty. I didn't even notice I was drinking it. I hear a click and Katniss stops. Peeta looks like his thinking or remembering.

"When did you get your token back?" he asks. I don't look up. I just look directly into my cup wishing that it would refill. I choose to break my new rule again.

"I didn't."

**I thought about Haymitch's face for a long time. Because in the book Katniss mentions that the boys never grow hair on their faces and wonders what happened to them (well what was done to them) but in the movie poster Haymitch has a beard. So I was trying to think about how that would work… I think rugged his plausible .**


	7. I saw her naked

**I'm trying to keep it from being M, but when we get to the actual games and people start killing each other, I might have to change it. The themes are a bit mature at the moments…. But I hope you enjoy! Please review!**

I guess it's not much of a rule if you break it continuously. Once or twice is not much. But this is the second night I've broken it in a row.

I know this because I've woken up with my head pounding. There's a loud knocking at the door that woke me up. I groan and go to stand up, but my stomach is turning. I lean over and throw up on the floor. The smell fills my nostrils and I feel nauseous again. I throw up onto of it. My mouth tastes awful and my head is pounding. I think I'm lying on the couch. I put down my head and close my eyes.

I dream about Hestia. The last things she told me. What we could have been. What could have happened. Her dark grey eyes smile like at me, just like they did when she told me. She was always so beautiful. Always. I am lucky to have a dream where I see her smiling, a dream where I don't hear her screams. She was gentle. She was soft. It was all my fault. All mine.

There's more light in the room, and I wake up with a face only a foot away from mine.

"He's awake!" the tiny voice screams. My eyes adjust as I try to sit up and I see it's Gardenia. She gasps and covers her mouth. "Sorry!" she whispers with a loud hiss. "He's awake!" she says now whispering.

I hear steps and Peeta walks into the room. He has an apron on. "What did I say?" he says quietly. It's hard for me to hear him.

"Be quiet" she whispers, gesturing with her finger over her mouth. Peeta nods and walks away.

"Why?" I ask trying to sit up again.

"You're sick" she whispers. It's a good enough way to explain it to her. I nod and pull myself up, putting my feet on the ground. I look down and the vomit is gone.

"Yeah I'm sick" I say.

"You need juice" she tells me. I smile.

"Juice huh?" I ask. She nods quickly.

"Orange juice" she answers me. Gardenia is sitting down on a stool. She kicks her legs back and forth. Peeta walks into the room holding a tray with soup on it. I know it's for me. He's too kind. He really is. He gives it to me before lifting up his daughter. She laughs as he sits down on her stool and places her on his lap.

"Katniss came to check on you this morning. You seemed a bit upset last night when you left" Peeta says. "When you didn't unlock the door-"

"Mommy broke down the door!" Gardenia squeals, her eyes searching for a reaction. I look over to where the door should be. There is no door.

"Katniss didn't break down the door, she asked me to" Peeta tells me. "We're replacing it today. Katniss is…getting the replacement. After we broke it down though, Katniss cleaned up your mess." He glances down at the door.

"Mommy wouldn't let me come" Gardenia whines. "I watched from the window." I know exactly why they didn't let her come. They didn't want her to see anything that she shouldn't. They wanted to protect her. But I want to protect her too.

"Sorry about that kiddo" I say before eating a spoonful of soup. It feels good in my empty stomach. I'm still feeling a bit off, but I'm better than earlier.

"We'll let you rest for a while" Peeta says as he stand up, Gardenia in his arms. He starts to head towards where the door was. "Just holler if you need anything."

"Just holler if you need anything!" Gardenia shouts as they leave. I laugh. She's a funny kid. I finish the soup before going upstairs and taking a shower. It's strange that I didn't sleep with the knife last night. It's up in my room. I rinse myself off, gargling the water and spitting it back out. The water is tinted with my vomit and I know it's coming again. I lean down and start to throw up in the shower. I rinse my mouth again, and I'm feeling better. I dry off and head to my room. It's been a long time since I really cried.

I don't go to their house that night. They call me though. And I say I will come the next night. I do.

We eat dinner, and everyone is very soft. Very gentle. Flint barley even cries. Gardenia asks me if I'm feeling better. Several times. Drink orange juice she reminds me. She even climbs off her stool to get me some, but I told her I've already had some orange juice today. Katniss reminds her that water is important to. She looks and her mother and I skeptically, but after a few moments of thought climbs back into her chair. We have ice cream for dessert. It's one of Gardenia's favorites, but then again Gardenia loves to eat. I find out the dog ran away, but he came back this morning. He's up in their room right now. They stay up for a little bit, but eventually Katniss goes to put Gardenia and Flint to bed. Peeta asks me in a glance and I nod. He goes to get the type writer.

When Katniss comes back down she brings us all glasses of water and we sit down. She situates herself at the type writer.

"The first day of training was something I wasn't prepared for. You know all the stations. Well I went down and most of the careers and teamed up, and were going through all of the stations. I wasn't sure what to do first. I kind of sat back and watched all the tributes for a bit, getting to know what they were good at, what they weren't. Maysilee went straight to plants. She was memorizing reading. I thought about going to a station when Soot came and sat next to me.

"So you weren't chosen either" she laughed tossing her head back and then smiling at me. She placed her hand on my thigh. "And you know it wasn't Lark" she looks right into my eyes.

"I had it down to Maysilee and you" I told her. And I was pretty sure it was one of them. They were both with Juniper watching the television.

"I thought it could have been you for a bit." She cocked her head. "You're smart aren't you?"

I didn't trust her. At all. But then again she wasn't in any better or worse of a position then I was. At least in everyone else's eyes.

"Enough" I said.

"Don't be modest" she snapped tossing her hair. With her hair fixed she's actually much more attractive, not in a beautiful way, just a sex way.

"I'm not. I should actually head to one of the stations" I told her. I figured she would go do her own thing, but she followed me to knots and ropes, and then to camouflage, and then to plants. Not that she bothered actually reading or doing anything. She kept touching my thighs and my shoulders as she pretended to learn.

That night at dinner was quiet. The whole team was there, the prep, Juniper, Linda, but no one really said anything.

I went to bed early. The sheets were soft and I knew I'd need to get some sleep if I was going to get any training done the next day. There was a faint light. I opened my eyes, but the room was dark again. Then I felt my bed change and someone else was there. I turned to attack, but I was shocked by what I saw. Soot was wearing nothing. She was on top of my suddenly kissing and licking down my chest and my stomach. Then she started to pull down my pants and I rolled out from underneath her. I almost kicked her, but who knew where cameras were. I couldn't have that on me. I pulled up my pants. I was standing now, but she still lay on the bed, twirling her finger in the sheets.

"Now you wanna get ready before we do it on the screen don't you?" she said with a smile.

I stared at her for a moment. She was there naked on my bed, offering me sex. Or at least something close. It didn't make any sense at first.

"What?" I breathed not wanting to cause a scene.

"You're a smart boy" she started. She rolled over, and I saw everything. "You know what a blood thirsty audience wants. A little bit of a change up."

Her whole plan clicked. More than she wanted and I immediately knew what she was thinking. The audience would eat up sex. They would love sex. And she would give it to me, and to them for a simple price. My knowledge, my smarts, my training, and their support. People in the Capitol would pay to keep that on the screen. That was their plan. Then when she'd use me long enough she'd kill me somehow. But I knew she only wanted me to know the first part.

"No" I told her.

"No?" she asked, a bit offended "I'm putting myself out here for _you_" she started "And you say no? I'm offering you at chance at getting sponsors. I'm offering you sex!" she was getting louder.

"Get out" I said, to angry to say anything else. What if Hestia knew? What would she think? As much as I wanted to survive I could never do that to her.

"Is this because of that whiny little bit-" she began, but I cut her off.

I shouted at her to get out. Out. Now. She seemed a bit taken a back at first, but her shock quickly turned into a glare.

"Then you'd better get ready Haymitch Abernathy. Because I offered you an alliance. And now I will kill you without a second thought."

Her poisonous words meant little to me. I knew that if we were in alliance she'd kill me without a second thought. It was redundant. But it wasn't as if she didn't upset me. I missed Hestia.

She slammed the door when she left. I don't know if anyone woke up or saw because I didn't leave my room." I stop there and look up at Peeta and Katniss. I can tell their thinking about what I said. The selling sex. Because I used that idea with them. I stole it from Soot, and I gave it to them in their games. When Katniss kissed Peeta. It wasn't sex, but it was something else the audience would eat right up. Romance.

When I go home that night I check on the geese. And then I stop and I look up at the stars.

They are beautiful, and unchanging. They are the only thing that hasn't changed since then.

**Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	8. I show the game makers

I'm there for breakfast. Peeta scrambles eggs, and Katniss feeds Flint oatmeal. I clumsily try to help, but I'm not of much use. I end up just putting out forks and juice. Gardenia is still asleep. Some days she sleeps in late. Flint smiles at me, oatmeal falling out of his mouth. Katniss tries to scoop it up with her spoon to get it into his mouth, but she misses some. It's a nice quiet morning.

Peeta puts the eggs on the table with some meat. When Katniss turns to him she asks him if he can feed Flint. She wants to go wake up Gardenia.

"I got it" he says with a smile as his hand falls over his, and plucks the spoon from his. She slips around him and disappears. Peeta is much better at feeding Flint that Katniss. He's much quicker at catching what falls from his lips before it's gone for good. I sip my water, enjoying the peacefulness of it all.

"Haymitch" Peeta says, not turning to look at me, but rather focused on his son. "Why didn't you get back your thimble?" he asks it softly.

"They took it from me" I say, I don't want to dwell on it. Not today. Not this morning. Not while things are like this. "It was small. It was a nice grey color. At the top there were all these little scratch marks from my stray needle." I feel myself smile. I can see it so clearly in my mind. "On the edge at the bottom Hestia scratched in two H's. One for each of us?"

"Each of who?" I hear a small voice snap. I look over to the front of the kitchen and I see Gardenia. She's still in her night gown and her hair is a mess. She rubs her eye. "Each of who?" she asks again. I bite my lip. Peeta looks to me and I know it's my decision. I don't know how much they know.

"Hestia and I" I decide to say.

She climbs up onto the stool across the table from me. Peeta goes to get the eggs, and Katniss takes his place. I can tell they're both keenly listening.

"Who's Hestia?" she asks before she yawns.

"My girlfriend" I say, and I haven't said it in so long. It's nice to talk about her normally. Gardenia's jaw drops.

"You have a girlfriend?" she demands. She stares at me, her eyes large. Katniss glances over at me.

"Had…" I answer, but it's hard. I find myself stronger than before, like after all this it's easier to talk. To talk about her. "She's gone now."

She's so young, but it's like Gardenia hears it in my voice. She doesn't ask why she's gone, or what's happened.

"Was she pretty?" Gardenia asks. Peeta walks in and puts down the scrambled eggs. He's going to pull aside Gardenia, ask her to stop, but I take a deep breath and I answer her.

"She was beautiful."

Gardenia smiles "I knew it."

I go for a walk later. I want to see the things I used to. The seam is abandoned. Anyone who came back moved into a real house. But the seam was where Hestia lived with her mom and dad. I can't say I lived anywhere better. If you wanted to look at the living standards it was probably just above the seam. I used to run down here when her parents were out late at the coal mines. She didn't like being by herself. It scared her.

As I walk the street down to where she lived, I remember all of the times I walked down this street late at night. No one lives here now. No one at all. Empty houses full of memories, full of ghosts all around me.

I can't make it down to her house. I want to, maybe I'd find something of her somewhere even though it's been years. Decades. But I don't have it in me. I can't do it. So I go back home, and I get a wine bottle. But I don't drink it. I won't. Not today.

A few days later they invite me to their house again for dinner. I think they feel bad that Gardenia asked me about Hestia, but I'm not upset. I'm a little bit, happy is the wrong word, but it's something like that. She just talked about Hestia like she was a person who lived, and left. Not like a tragedy.

After dinner we start again. It's been a while, so they remind me where I left off. I take a deep breath and a sip of water as I try to get back into it all, the telling.

"We were sitting at dinner the next night. It was very quiet. We had just finished out second, and last day of training. Soot had hung around the careers. She was switching goals, and I knew who her knew target was. There was uneasiness between all of us, Madge, Lark, and I. Because we knew, and it was so rare that district 12 tries to team up with careers. The thing was this year there were two careers cliques. I guess with such a large number of tributes not all of them wanted to be together. It made sense, naturally some would find more competition with others. In one clique was the girl from District 1, the two boys from District 2, Byrd Leland from District 11, and a boy from District 3. In the other clique were the other 3 tributes from District 1, 2 girls from district 2, and a girl and boy from District 3.

She had spent a good portion of the day focusing on Clay Grout and Slate Pavers, the two Neanderthals from District 2. They're the most muscular of the tributes, but then again they were also the most dim. I had seen her earlier, observing the careers, choosing where to put her focus.

I wanted to kill her. Everything that I held in my heart, everything built up between Hestia and I she had stomped on. Spat on. And I wasn't a saint. I was angry. She sat at the end of the table, triumphantly eating her carrots, and sipping wine. Like she has won something.

Juniper stabbed a potato with her fork, and ate it with the same precision.

"Do you all know what you are going to show the game makers tomorrow?" she asked not even bothering to look up. For a second I feel myself freeze up. I hadn't thought about it at all the past two days, I'd been engulfed with my own issues. "If you don't I'm offering you my advice- But that's it." No one said anything. We all sat silently, but each in our own way. Soot was smug. Maysilee was determined. Lark upset, still. I was panicking, but I'd never show it.

Juniper glanced around the table before sipping her wine. "If you're too shy to say it now you can find me later, but I'll be asleep by ten" she said.

When dinner ended I went to my room to think. I didn't want to ask for help, but I didn't know what I was going to do. What would I show them? I wasn't strong enough for my strength to be impressive, or fast enough for my speed to be impressive. I could use a knife, but what would that do? Against someone with a bow, or a sword it would do nothing. It was 9 30 when I walked to Juniper's room. I knocked on her door and waited a few minutes.

She opened it, her hair still pinned up and make up on. She didn't look like she was going to sleep anytime soon.

"I knew it'd be you" she said matter-of-factly. "Come in." I walked into her room and she shut the door. It was dim and simple. There was a small table in the room covered in books, and sheets of paper with lists of names.

"So what're you thinking about doing?" she asked, gesturing for me to sit down across from her. I sat at the opposite side of the table.

I tried to think of something, anything to say. "Winning" I told her. She smirked.

"Tomorrow" she clarified "For the game makers."

I tried not to drop my smug attitude but I was worried on the inside. And what harm would it do me if she knew I was worried?

"I don't have a clue" I told her. She pursed her lips and sighed.

"What have you been doing at training?"

"I…" I started, but I wasn't sure. "…looked at plants, and visited the camouflage station. I worked with knots, and trapping, as well as knives."

"That's all very nice" she snapped dryly. "But how will that impress anyone? Every tribute has been doing those same exact things!"

Her words were harsh, but I knew they were completely true. I knew I had strengths, but I didn't know how to show them.

"Haymitch" she said her voice sharp "You know what's just as important as playing the game?" She looked straight at me, her thin lips curling at the ends. "Playing the opponents"

The next day I was standing in front of the game makers with nothing in my hands. I stood there, and they looked at me curiously.

"In the past week two cliques have formed among some of the strongest tributes. The first clique consists of Ruby Remira, a girl from District 1 who's one of the largest tributes, who takes the position as leader. She's brute force, good with any weapon, not in a technical sense, but once again she has brute force on her side. The second largest girl is Byrd, from District 11. She's lean and muscular and fast with big hands, good at close contact fighting. Her hands are strong enough to strangle almost any other tribute. Volt from District 3 is tall and thin, but has a basic understanding for mechanics. He's better with a sword though than he is his brain. Then they have Soot who's only real positive traits are her kiss ass-ery and lack of moral. Last in the clique are the two Neanderthals from District 2, Clay and Slate. They take direction well, but are unaware of that fact. Definition of meat heads, and very easily distracted.

The second clique has the three other tributes from District 1, Emerald, Jewel, and Lock. Emerald has fantastic green eyes, but it's not really helping him at all. He's smaller than Ruby, but he's not small. He's not as meaty as the Neanderthals and in comparison seems a bit thin, but he's pretty good with a bow and arrow. If you look at him from long distance he's a stronger opponent, but at close range he'll be over powered easily. Then there's Jewel she's short, but strong with thick powerful legs. That's what makes her deadly with a broad sword, but any other sword and she struggles. It was stupid of her to team with Emerald, it'll be a flaw if they attack as a group. Lock is nothing special, just your average big guy. Lee and Harriet from District 2 are both tall girls with long legs and arms who are good with knives, at least throwing them. They have keen eyes. Shock and Jazz from District 3 are both lean, but broad. They are both good with spears.

There are other semi-notable tributes. District 7 has a boy, Hatch who works wonders with an axe, but he's not very big. Jane is also from District 7 , she's got strong arms and is a fast climber. Hagar from District 4 is very good with her hands, and even though she's small she's agile. She also has very nice hair, but she's easily sunburnt, thus the freckles. Also from District 11 there's Hugh Pine. He's not the strongest, but then again he's still strong, and can definitely fight well at a close range, but-"

That's when I was interrupted. I was unprepared for it because I was in a rhythm, but I stop talking. I wanted to know what they were thinking.

"How do you know all of this?" the one game maker said, his eyes filled with confusion as he flipped through his notes. I smirked.

"It's not hard to figure it out, especially when everyone wants to keep their strengths a secret during the training. The tributes who struggle with all the tasks and avoid one entirely are most likely best at what they avoid. All they show are their weaknesses, and strengths by extension. Then by observing their movements and demeanor I can come to a conclusion about what they are best at." They all stared at me for a minute. Then one woman snorted.

"So then what are you good at?" She thought she was so clever, her eyes glittering like she had caught me.

"They may be stronger in some ways, but I did not once say any of them were even close to being as intelligent as I am."

That night we all sat in front of the television waiting for our scores.

Most the careers were between 7 and 10. Hagar received a 6. Jane a 6, and Hatch a 5. Byrd was given an 8. Hugh received a 7. May, the pretty girl from District 11, received a 4. Pretty soon they've made it to us. I hope they were impressed with me, I need the sponsors.

Lark was first. He had a two. I don't know if he was expecting it, but I think he probably was. He didn't look shocked. Then Soot. She had a 6. She smiled and tossed her hair back. I rolled my eyes. I was next. I knew she was looking, waiting. I had a 9. It's higher than I expected, but then again maybe those game makers did have brains in their heads. I glanced to where Soot is, and her smile was. She was glaring at the screen, and then I knew it was my turn to smile. Next was Maysilee. She had a 4. Everyone is a bit off put, but I can't help but feel like I've succeeded somewhat. I had a nine. It wasn't the highest, but it surpassed expectations."

Katniss stops typing. I don't feel as bad as I normally do afterwards. Maybe because I'm getting used to this, but maybe it's not that. Maybe it's because at this point in the games, right then, stupidly for a moment I thought everything would be okay.

**Thank you so much for reading! It's a meaty chapter I hope you enjoyed it! Gah it's almost the games games! Please favorite and review!**


	9. I wait

I get a call from Katniss in the morning. Gardenia is out with friends, and Flint is napping. She wants to know if I want to come over and continue tomorrow. I haven't spoken about the games in the morning for a while, but it might be a change of pace.

When I get there Peeta offers me juice. I accept it and we arrange ourselves. I sip it. It's fresh berry juice, a bit sour, but still good. I only take it in bits at a time, so it can last.

"I have to say, I was a worse to coach for interviews than you were." She smiles at that. I remember her, she wasn't like Peeta. He was sociable, amiable. But then again, it wasn't as if I wasn't unlikeable. "It was part of Juniper's job that she had to sit down with each of us. So, as she was supposed to, she sat down with me to be coached.

She tried to start out asking me general questions. I didn't give her what she wanted though. I was rude, condescending, belligerent, and a witty. I snapped, I interrupted, I scoffed at her, smirked and rolled my eyes. It didn't take long for her to snap back at me.

"Fine!" she stood up abruptly, her voice wasn't raised but I could feel her frustration "Just act like an ass during your interview! See where that gets you." She stood there and I left the room, but her words really got me thinking.

What if rude, condescending, witty and belligerent was the way to go? As long as I was somewhat comedic and didn't mock the capitol, what was there to lose? I certainly wasn't going to be pleasant, and I needed them to know that I was smart. It was all I felt I had and I was going to use it at every moment.

So I went to my room and made a list of things I couldn't mock, subjects to stray from-

The Capitol

The Games

Officials

Osiris, Hera, and the rest of my prep team

I read over it a few times, and I decided that was enough. I couldn't put too many limits on myself, but then I stopped and added something else to the list.

District 12

I wasn't going to mock my home. It's strange that throughout my life I've always found myself a very loyal person. Maybe it's an egotistic thing to say, but I can't say I've ever lacked ego. I've just had plenty of regret.

So I was put into a suit, with a bright red bow tie for 'flair'. Lark also wore a suit, but his was more formfitting than mine, and more feminine with a long tie. Soot wore a black dress with a cut in the front that fell down to her belly button. The back of her dress was long falling down to her knees, but the front barley covered. Maysilee was in a light airy pink dress that played up her curves and big eyes, and down her stouter figure than Soot and lack of muscle. She looked pretty in it, and sweet.

I saw the rest of the tributes as we all entered to sit down for our interviews. They tried to make Ruby Remira from District 1 look attractive, but she still looked like a beast. However it's not like it matters, maybe it was better that she looked like a beast. Lee and Harriet were both in long dresses because they were tall and it emphasized their height. Jewel was wearing a dress that tries to hide the thick muscle of her legs. She had forgettable face with bright blue eyes. Her dress was blue and I knew they wanted the audience to remember her eyes since, at the moment it would be the easiest way to place her in their minds. That's when I saw May Johns. She was the most beautiful tribute of them all, not the most beautiful woman, but the most beautiful tribute. Her skin was soft, supple and glowing, her large eyes glittering. She was wearing a sheer formfitting dress that weaved together a plethora of colors, and wrapped in a way that emphasized her femininity. Her hair was long with small flowers intertwined in her braids.

I sat next to Maysilee. On my other side sat May Johns. She even smelled sweet. We went down the line, one by one, Caesar taking them all up to the front. He put a lot of them at ease, and tried to make them all shine in their own way.

First was Emerald. He was quick with his words, an casual. The crowd liked him. He was more than amiable, he was a bit flirty. After was Ruby. She wasn't flirty, or amiable, but she didn't have to be. She was a brute. Caesar tried to help her, and he did his best at flattering her, asking her about the capitol, about her knew dress, but she merely shrugged in reply.

"Well I guess with the power your packing, you don't need to butter up the crowd. Am I right?" Caesar said, somewhat humorously at the end of Ruby's interview. The rest of the tributes each had their turn, some were ferocious, others quirky, but a lot of bland tributes all with similar formulas and plans. Some, like Clay and Slate didn't appear defiant like Ruby, but just dumb. May Johns was up before me.

"Don't you look stunning!" Caesar exclaimed as he brought her to the front. "Again and again you've just managed to exude beauty and health!"

She smiled gently, her eyes shyly falling to the ground. "Well I've got to thank Demeter, she's really done all of the work."

"But she didn't give you that face" he added "Or your fabulous skin. I guess Demeter knows what to play up. This dress looks marvelous!"

"Thank you" she said, turning to smile at the crowd. They melted. It wasn't what she said, merely the way she seemed to glow, her smile soft and beautiful. A few of the tributes eyes narrowed.

They talked shortly, before Caesar switched to a new subject "Is there anyone waiting for you back home?" he asked.

"My family" she said, her voice cracking slightly, but she retained herself. The audience's tone changed. They were suddenly very upset.

"Do you have a lot of younger brother and sisters?" Caesar asked.

"No I'm the youngest of seven" she replied.

"Seven?" he exclaimed. He recollected himself "And you are the first to be chosen?" May nodded. "Look at the odds" he laughed, but there was a certain tension in the room.

"There are a lot of people in District 11" "So you'll be the one to bring home the glory?" He was trying to ease the tension, and it did, at least in the audience. I couldn't say the same for the tributes.

"I hope so" she crossed her fingers, and showed the audience. It was so young. So hopeful, but she knew, we all knew, all of us but one were going to die brutal deaths.

The crowd was putty in her hands. I sat there, waiting, because I was next. My palms felt hot, and I subtly brushed them on my pants. I was watching everyone, everything, every movement, every expression."


	10. I talk to the Capitol, I talk to Soot

**I'm back! I know I've said previously 'I'll be back more often' and not been back more often- So now I'll officially be back more often because I'm done with school. This chapter was sitting around for a while and I've finally finished it. I hope you like it!**

When it as my turn I tried to appear at ease. I wanted to appear above the tributes, superior, but not superior to the Capitol.

We started out with some simple banter that the crowd seemed to enjoy. It was new, and fresh seeing as very few of the tributes pushed intelligence as their selling point in the past.

"You're pretty smart, how did that come about?" Caesar asked.

"I have to say it's in the genes" I laughed.

"So your dad's a quick one then?" Caesar answered.

"Can't say" I shot back "But my mother, and brother shouldn't be underestimated."

"Now, you've got your mother and your brother rooting for you back home. Is there anyone else? A girl, maybe?"

"Yeah, I've got a girlfriend back home" I replied.

"How is she feeling about you being in the games?" he asked.

"She's pretty excited that she's going to be the girlfriend of the victor" I snapped with a smile, even though I didn't feel one. I didn't want to slip up and ruin my appearance. Even a moment of weakness could cause me to lose possible sponsors.

"Confident even now!" he laughed amazed, but I reminded myself I had to hold back. I didn't want to appear too confident or too interested. "So, Haymitch, what do you think of the Games having one hundred percent more competitors than usual?"

"I don't see that it makes much of a difference. They'll still be one hundred percent as stupid as usual, so I figure my odds will be roughly the same." Then I shot the crowd a half smile, and tried to treat them as if they were in on some joke. And they loved it.

"Well then, what are you most worried about in the arena?" he asked.

"Dying." I retorted plain and simple. "But then again, aren't all of the tributes concerned with that factor?" I explained, making every single other tribute seem vulnerable. Caesar laughed.

"You are something Haymitch Abernathy! I'm sorry to say our time is up" he said motioning for me to sit down.

"I'm not" I said as I returned to my chair. I wasn't sure if I was pushing it, until I turned around and saw the crowd giggling.

I smirked in my seat, feeling accomplished, and then I looked over at Maysilee. She looked sick to her stomach.

Her interview was far worse than mine. She was bland, and nervous. Caesar did a good job at attempting to make her look humble, but then again, Caesar can only do so much. She sat down next to me, rubbing her palms against her dress, and staring doe eyed into the audience.

I thought back and realized that Maysilee had always been shy. She'd never been outgoing in school, or spoken out in class, or really stood out in anyway. She was just, there.

After she stumbled through awkwardly I glanced around for Juniper. She had to be somewhere, wouldn't she have planned this out better? Or at least been of more help? My stomach twisted and I felt anger fill me. It took me a moment to remember why I was here. To win. I had to bring the faces of my mother, Nelson, and Hestia to mind.

Lark was next. He tried to be flirty and likeable, but it wasn't working in his favor. They tried to play up on his youth, by making him seem like young and more feminine, for some reason as if it would make him more suave and attractive, more of a ladies' man. Instead he was perceived as young and undesirable. He was a sad sort of creepy in his new persona. There was a breath of relief when the time came for his interview to end.

The last tribute to be interviewed was Soot. She walked up slowly knowing her time wouldn't start until she sat down by Caesar, knowing the slower she walked the more screen time she had. Of course it wasn't much slower than a normal pace, she didn't want to appear inept.

She started off with a smile that drew the audience in to her. Unlike Maysilee and Lark she mananged to be comfortable on the stage. I knew she had just as much help with her interview as I had had, so I couldn't help but be somewhat impressed.

"Well what do you like most about the capitol?" Caesar asked. Soot looked up as in thinking merely in jest, to amuse the audience.

"The people here are so attractive" she answered "I mean even when I'm up here it's a little bit distracting" she winked at the audience. She had combined flattery and flirtation to make herself more likeable. She wasn't playing sultry, she was playing playful, sexy and mischievous with a sultry wrapper.

When we left I was frustrated, frustrated that Soot had done so well. Too well.

"Good job Soot" one of the men on her prep team told her before we left the room. And for a moment, for some strange reason, it was just her and I walking up.

"Yeah Soot" I snapped "Good job whoring yourself out."

"Excuse me?" she shot stopping in her tracks. I walked a bit further before stopping.

"Good job whoring yourself out" I repeated. I turned to her. "Do you have an issue with me noticing that?"

"You know what!" she shouted "I'm tired of your holier than thou attitude. Who the hell do you think you are? You think you have some sort of right to judge me?"

"Everyone has a right to judge _you_" I replied.

"Do you really think that what you're doing isn't any different than what I'm doing? Everyone here is selling themselves. Everyone. Don't think you aren't, sitting up there with your quips, and joking with the audience about other tributes. Do you think you have that right Haymitch? To laugh at us? Believe me you are selling yourself as much as I am."

In her speech I felt my eyes grow hot, and my heart speed up, my face flush with anger and despair. "I have people I need to come back to. People I love-"

"You don't think there are people I love too? People I want to get back to? Some how you are more important and I'm some sort of 'evil sex villain"? Are you really that juvenile?" She was crying then. "You don't think everyone here has families, and friends they want to see again? You don't think everyone here is trying to sell themselves so that they can survive?" I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.

"Go to hell" she said "And may the odds be ever in your favor." When she walked away I realized-"

There's a knock on the door and we all stop.

"MOM! DAD!" we hear Gardenia calls from outside. "I'm home!" They wait for a moment, hanging on my words.

"I realized that I could never kill Soot."

**I hope you enjoyed it! Please review! Anything you have to say is helpful.**


	11. I don't get my thimble

**Semi regular updates! It's shocking isn't it? I hope you guys like it! Please review!**

After talking about Soot it's a few days before I head back over to their house. It's not as if I don't see them, but I sleep a lot for some reason, staying up late into the night thinking and sleeping late into the day. I also don't want to burden them. They have their own lives, things that they need to do and like to do. But after a few days I'm back in their kitchen eating berries for dessert. We're getting ready to go back to writing, but we have to wait for Gardenia to go to bed.

She's been excited all night, whispering and giggling, glancing around the room guiltily. "But the pres-" and her dad hushes her. "Before bed" he says quietly in hopes that I won't hear him. At least I figure it's me, since there's no reason to hide anything from Katniss. They both looks a bit worried, nervous and excited.

"Now?" she asks, donning her pajamas.

Peeta looks to Katniss and she nods. "Now" he says and Gardenia runs out of the room. "But be quiet" he calls in a whisper not wanting to wake Flint. Her footsteps fade away and I eat another berry.

"Haymitch!" she calls, and her mother shoots her a quick glance. "Haymitch" she calls in a whisper. "We got you a present."

"A present?" I ask. She nods her head, with a big smile. She hands me a small box and steps back, before crawling into her mother's arms. She yawns, but her eyes remain wide. I lift the lid off of the box.

Inside the box is a small metal thimble. I pick it up tenderly and suddenly me eyes fill with tears. I try to blink them away, but then I choke on my breath and have to focus on that.

"Do you like it?" Gardenia asks, the concern in her voice more than evident. I nod, composing myself before turning towards the family that just keeps giving to me.

She smiles. "Good" she says "Daddy knew you would."

"Times up Gardenia" Katniss says. "Time for bed." Gardenia groans. "Don't complain, you got to give him the present right." Gardenia nods, and her eyes droop.

"Good night Haymitch" she says as her mother carries her upstairs. I wave trying to keep myself calm and collected.

When we can no longer hear their footsteps I ask Peeta what's been on my mind since I opened the box. "How did you get this?" I ask, and then a strange thought passes through my mind, and my heart drops. This isn't it. How stupid I've been. It's merely a replica, but still, in comparison to my memory it looks so- real. "It's a replica."

"No it's not" Peeta says "That's the same on Hestia gave you."

"How did you get it?"

Peeta smiles at me, accomplished "Well I knew some people going through the archives- and I asked them to keep a look out for your thimble."

"You knew some people?" I question.

"Gale knew some people" Katniss says as she enters the room and sits down in front of the typewriter.

"I haven't seen this since…" I think back "Since I gave it to them. I thought I was going to get it back before the games. I was already in my clothing, and getting ready to get into the arena lift, and start when I turned to Hera. The countdown was going to begin in moments.

"When do I get back my token?" I asked. I could feel my stomach turning in knots and I needed something to remind me of why I was pushing through. Why I was going to win.

She was staring at the back of her nails. She didn't glance up, but gestured for me to enter the lift. I stepped back into it. She still didn't look up when she said "It was deemed a tool, an unfair advantage."

"What?" I say, not because I don't understand her words, but because I can't comprehend them. I mean, it was a thimble, what advantage could an old thimble be?

"Honey" she answered, her eyes lazily glancing up to meet mine. "You aren't." It was then that a surge of anger ran through me that I couldn't really describe. I went to charge her, but tube shut just before I did. My hands pressed against the glass, and she had a smirk on her face. She knew I was going to die. There was no point in putting out any effort on her part.

I tried to quell my anger as I was lifted up into the arena, to calm myself. The thimble didn't matter because I was going to make it, I told myself, I would survive. I expected to still be angry, and consumed by the time I was in the arena, but I wasn't. I was taken aback by the sheer beauty of the area, it was the most amazing place I had ever seen.

They sky was the brightest blue, the ground heavily peppered with the most beautiful flowers, the birds created the most beautiful sounds, the air sweet smelling and cool, the most lush looking woods and picturesque mountains. It was overwhelming wonderful. I was about to step forward, when I thought to myself 'Hestia would love this place' and I froze regaining my seriousness and remembering why I was here. To win.

All that happened in a matter of seconds as the countdown began. I looked around at the other tributes as the countdown ran, completely distracted by the beauty of the arena. None of them would move in time, but I, I was ready. If I was right, I'd have time to run to the cornucopia before anyone else got there. I was going to need some sort of weapon, and it was a risk I was going to have to take. For a moment I almost smirk as I thought about how angry my brother would be as he watched me run to the cornucopia before the woods. The woods, when did I decide on that? I asked myself. But I go with it. It has the most cover. It was like my brain was more ready for this than I was.

"3, 2, 1" the speaker said and then the gong went off, as did I to the cornucopia. I grabbed a few weapons and tossed on a backpack before sprinting into the woods. I could hear the screams of tributes, the clash of weapons, the cutting of flesh.

I kept sprinting, but as it got darker I fell into a job, but I kept moving until the sun was completely gone. It was then that it came over me again." I stop talking.

"What did?" Katniss asks, but a glance from Peeta let's me know he knows exactly what I'm talking about.

"Do you mind" I start as I get off my chair "If we continue this in the morning? I'm feeling tired" I lie sloppily, but it's not like it matters. They understand I need to be alone for a moment.

"We'll see you bright in the morning" Peeta says. Katniss nods.

"Goodnight" she says.

When I'm alone in my house I cry. It's the last bit of Hestia I have left.

**The thimble- But now the games begin starting next chapter! And then the games end and my soul dies….**


	12. I run

**Oh this doesn't end after the games, I have a plan for the end, but it doesn't end with the games. Hahaha…Anyways I hope you guys like this chapter. Please review!**

When I get there in the morning we don't waste time tip-toeing around the subject. The easiest way to get through it is to dive in head first.

"On the first day eighteen tributes died, leaving thirty of us left alive. There were still more of us than in an average game, and only the strongest had survived- all of the excess fat was gone. As I watched the faces in the sky I made notes of who was left.

Ruby, Emerald, Jewel and Lock from District 1. Clay, Slate, Lee, and Harriet from District 2. Shock, Jazz, Volt, and Vector from District 3. Hagar from District 4. Lydia, Jack and Emery from District 5. Hatch, Regina and Jane from District 7. Armand, Maurice and Sylvia from District 9. Carey, Remus and Silk from District 10. Byrd and Hugh from District 11. Soot, Maysillee, and myself from District 12.

Thinking strategically I can't help but be a bit pleased, pleased that I was right. These were all of the tributes I had known would survive. That and a few extras, but they were just trim and likely wouldn't make it in the next few days. According to most of the career tributes I was just trim as well. I was far from the mountains, mostly safe from the other tributes who, instead seemed to be headed towards them. It was the first time I assumed I was alone that I shouldn't have. I was about to eat out of my pack, late in the night, figuring I'd eat then, and stay on the move for the whole day.

But there was so much food around me I figured why not take what I could. I guess the capitol wanted to see a really bloody fight, because in a place like this hunger would be hard to come by. Only the most stupid of tributes would really succumb to hunger.

There were large plump fruits in the tree near me. I climbed up the tree, with my backpack. Once I got to the high fruit branches I swung my leg over the branch and began to move toward the fruit, harvesting while I could. I plucked on large blue fruit, and then another, the leaves shaking as I did so. That's when I heard rustling and realized that I wasn't alone. I froze, trying to blend into the night. It was Sylvia from District 9. She was one of the trim. Her short blonde hair was in a ponytail and her face was stained with dry blood. She moved so quickly and gracefully, but she didn't see me. Instead she began to set up camp right there in front of me. I rolled my eyes at her stupidity.

As she set up her camp I saw her pull a large blue fruit from her bag, the same ones I had been harvesting. She took a large bite of it, the blue juices running down her chin. Then she took another bite. And another.

She started to shake uncontrollably. She started to cough and sputter. She was shaking, she was choking, and I watched her. I watched her die right before me. That's when I started to think, started to process and realize that this would be quite the hunger games. I couldn't trust anything here. Everything was beautiful and plentiful because we couldn't trust any of it. All this beauty- it was fatal.

I dropped the blue fruits I had been holding, now aware that eating them would lead to my death, and leapt from the tree. Then, like a vulture I went through her pack, now knowing that the only food I could eat was the food that they gave us. It made the supply even more limited, and when the careers figured it all out, it would make the fight that much bloodier.

She had a few pieces of dried meat packaged in her bag, lots of fruit. Everything that wasn't packaged I didn't take. I didn't want to risk it being contaminated by the large amount of fruit in her bag. I take her water as well, now afraid to drink from the many springs and rivers. She also had another knife in her bag, larger than mine, but not as sharp. I stowed it away in my bag, along with a hammer I found in hers. Once I've taken enough I leave her dead body behind and move away from this area to sleep, move to somewhere I know I'll be safe, which ends up being underneath the large roots of a tree on top of rocks. I stuff my sleeping back in, and cover the opening with dead leaves. It was a rough night, but then again being attacked could have made my nights rougher.

The next day as I move through the woods I find another dead body, covered in butterflies. It seems almost peculiar seeing as there is no one else near us that I know of, but I stay alert as I move past her. The butterflies are beautiful, bright and colorful. They have wings that vary in colors, pink, blue, green, yellow, and they are quite large. Soon they fly away and I see large bumps covering the body.

A closer looks allows me to discover that this is Remus from District 10. I kneel next to him and begin to go through his backpack. His body is stiff, and the bumps are so peculiar. He hasn't eaten any fruit, there's none in his pack. I'm taking his water, and some bread, while I think about what kind of weapon could have possible caused such strange wounds. A butterfly landed on me, and I shooed it away, it's wings in the way of my vision. There was one butterfly left on him now. I watched it for a moment, but then I was overtaken by horror.

The butterfly was pulling it's long tongue from one of the wounds and suddenly there was a slight prick in my shoulder. I jumped back and shook it off, but I saw the lump growing on my shoulder, and then I saw more butterflies coming. I wanted to run, but whatever poison the butterfly had was now in my body and I didn't want it to spread. The lump was starting to appear, so I did the only rational thing. As fast as I could, I ripped out my sharpest knife and cut the lump clear off, getting the good skin with it as well. On my knees I started to squeeze the blood from my wound, and the butterflies began to surround the puddle. Once they were distracted I ran into the woods, further and further away, until I felt woozy. I took a sheet of my sleeping back and ripped off a long clean piece. I wrapped it around the wound nice and tight to stop the bleeding. The rest of the day was pretty quiet as I move along, avoiding flowers, springs, and now butterflies.

That night six more faces appeared in the sky. The first was Sylvia, then Remus. I was shocked to see, third was with Clay or Slate, I couldn't tell, but the fact that it was one of them I was unprepared for. The next face surprises me even more. It was Soot. Soot was dead. Then Lydia appeared, a bit more expected. Just when I thought there were no more surprises, another face appeared, one I thought would surely make it to the end. Emerald's face decorated the sky, and for a moment I started to wonder what was going on down by the mountain. I was sure that I'd see less career tributes faces, and more of the trim tributes, but there were the faces. There they were."

"Well what happened?" Katniss demands. I hear the curiosity in her voice. Peeta stares at me expectantly.

"See, there was a bit of a turf battle. You know how there were two different clicks forming, with two different leaders? I ended up realizing later that the reason I was left alone for so long. The two packs, they had been at a stand off since the beginning, Emerald was the leader of one pack, and Ruby the other. It was a bit difficult for the first day to go on a killing spree when both the packs were so worried about each other. So nothing was happening the first night, but tension.

That's when Soot tipped the balance. She had figured out in the beginning, that most of the arena was poisonous. Then in the middle of the night she poisoned Clay, and his brother awoke. Her plan, I assume, was to kill each one of the careers at night until there were none left. But Slate saw her, and let her finish before he strangled her to death.

They were down two careers, and that's when Emerald felt free to attack. Normally the big battles, they aren't at the beginning, they're at the end, but it was a bloody battle. Emerald and Ruby ended up fighting to the death, the other careers saving their strength. Emerald shot Ruby in the leg, but he ripped it out like it was no big deal. The issue was he was using a bow and arrow, really is wasn't favorable in his fight with Ruby and when she was close enough she beat him to death with the blunt of her sword.

More than anything beating him to death sets a tone of authority. It said something to the other tributes and the two groups melded into one. That's when the games really began, on the third day, but luckily I was on the run."

** Yeah, I was going to wait until the very end to have Haymitch tell us, (as past Haymitch sees it in the video/talks to Maysilee) but instead it felt better to put it here so we get the games as a whole, and if Haymitch is telling his games as a story…it made more sense to me. Anyways- Please review! I know a lot of you were reading this and if you just took a second to review it'd mean so much!**


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